TW.
What do you think you’re doing? Do you really think you can eat that? Do you really think you are worthy to eat that? You are worthless; you have no purpose in this world. Don’t even look at that slice of sugar and fat. You are fat enough- you are not allowed to eat that. Food is for other people. Food is for people who are worthy. Fat. Ugly. Stupid. Pathetic. Unworthy. Ungrateful. A disappointment to your parents, your family, your friends, this world. You aren’t skinny enough. You aren’t loveable enough. You aren’t good enough. This is why you aren’t perfect. This is why you are going to fail in life. Today your jeans a bit tighter than yesterday; look at how fat you’re getting. Good fucking job you unappreciative bitch. Oh that sandwich tasted good, right? Now you have to restrict tomorrow- this is all on you.
Tomorrow…tomorrow:
Restrict- 500 calories when you feel adventurous; 100 calories when you’ve been bad; water when you feel daring; an extra piece of low calorie bread when you exercised more than normal. Fuck. Guilt. So much guilt.
Binge- binge because you have to refuel for the month. Binge because you have a doctor’s appointment in 5 days. Binge because you are pathetic. Fuck. Guilt. So much guilt.
Purge- starve. Restrict. Water. No lunch. Smaller meals. Walk. Walk. Walk. Run. Run. Faster, FASTER. Exercise until you collapse. There you go- you get it now.
Cry. You weak, weak little girl. You need to get over yourself, you selfish bitch. Cry because your soul needs water to grow. Cry because your heart needs water to grow. Cry because your mind needs water to grow. Cry because you don’t deserve to.
What do you think you’re doing drowning in that sea of expectations? Swim, you coward. It’s too soon for you to sink now; you have a lot more suffering to look forward to.
curiosity killed the cat 
Being someone who has had similar problems in the past this was really triggering and I don’t know if it’s something you should post on the internet. It can be very harmful to others and other youth who see this. It should at least be marked trigger warning or CW:eatingdissorder CW:negative. It is also written in a way that makes you feel as if it were actually me saying it to myself. I hope you figure things out and find your way. Know people love you and care about you. Contact me if you ever need to talk.
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I’m so sorry, love. I’m not trying to promote eating disorders in anyway what so ever. I’m a strong advocate for recovery and mental health. It occurred to me after the fact that I should have labeled it TW. I apologize for any triggering content. I’m always here.
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